Vulvodynia Support-Frank's Story

My name is Frank and my wife was diagnosed with Vulvodynia in 1999. Our intimacy has remained strong through three pregnancies, the loss of a child and all the ups and downs of marriage. There is no purpose in detailing our love life but I will say it was passionate and frequent. After all these years together my wife started feeling pain and burning during and after our time together.

Her visits with her Gynecologist revealed nothing and the pain was getting worse. We discussed many options such as alternative medicine, other medications and different doctors. My wife's parents were "not big on doctors". They did not believe in preventive medicine and avoided doctors at all cost. My experience was the exact opposite, so there was conflicts right there. I like to be involved with my wife's life and her health is part of it.

She asked me to take a look when the pain was severe and my untrained eyes saw what looked like a paper cut near her episiotomy scar. She was given many medicated crèmes and we abstained to aid the healing, but whenever we resumed the tear would open up. Her doctor said he had never seen anything like this. Her last delivery was seven years prior to this and there was no problem in all that time.

The doctor hoped to resolve the problem by attempting a surgical repair. I believe he felt he could help by performing the surgical procedure and while I was disappointed with the result I can't fault him for trying. He reattached some muscle damaged by childbirth therefore forming a new scar. My wife had the procedure and suffered through a recovery similar to giving birth. We waited several months, used plenty of lubrication and took it slow…. The tear reoccurred. We then made a trip to the resident expert in our state of Connecticut on the advice of her Gynecologist.

This doctor questioned my wife and said her symptoms fit the description of Vulvodynia. He suggested some medications and we came home. The medicine included Elavil, an antidepressant. My wife did not want to take this medicine so we talked about options and our future.

We are still together, still making love and still hoping things will get better. From my most personal thoughts as a man I am sometimes in conflict, on the one side I love making love. I am a very sensual and sexual person. I have never tired of my wife nor have I strayed. The other side of my being is ridden with guilt for causing my wife pain even though she insists we stay close. Even before all this started I would feel guilt for annoying her with my desires. We have altered our lovemaking. If we take it easy and avoid certain positions we can actually prevent a tear. Making love while at the same time thinking of hurting your partner is a strain.

I am forty-eight years old and think of just how long we could have had passionate sex anyway. If things would have slowed down eventually I accept that "eventually" just happened sooner.

I have frequented web sites on Vulvodynia and I have learned and contributed. Women get a raw deal. The doctors can't explain or cure it, and they treat symptoms by trial and error. My wife went for a mammogram a few months ago. Her Gynecologist saw her in the hallway. He turned away without saying a word. I don't know how to describe that. Was he rude? Sure! Did he feel power less to help this patient? Definitely!

I get upset with the doctors sometimes but when it's all done they really are all we have and they are not Gods. My daughter died from a very rare genetic disease, I was helpless and so were the doctors. Vulvodynia is this cruel, painful illness that leaves us feeling helpless, for now.

I constantly imagine myself having a similar problem with my most private parts. How would I want my wife to respond? I am writing because my wife feels nothing can be done and she will not dwell on it. I do not agree. I believe where there is life there is hope. With proper medical research answers will follow.

My own thoughts on Vulvodynia are that there are many different causes and probably as many treatments. Without the proper research who can say for sure whether it is genetic, sexually transmitted, hormonal or some combination of causes. I wish all the sufferers could have the strength to endure and the patience to deal with the uninformed and uncaring. I think of the future and hope that by stirring interest steps will be taken to prevent our children from repeating this experience.